A few friends have asked me how I feel today, so it seems worthwhile to spend a few minutes trying to describe my internal landscape. The prevailing feeling is a deep sense of calm or quiet. After dropping Liz and Monica at the airport this morning, and then a meeting at City Hall, I spent a couple of hours cleaning the "kitchen" area at our roastery... loading and unloading dishwasher, mopping the floor, washing the chalkboard, organizing cabinets, because it just feels like all I want to do is clean. I want my outside world to be as peaceful and orderly as how I feel inside my head right now. I would have kept at that task, had I not had an afternoon appointment over at East 9th. As I cleaned, I kept bringing my attention back to my breath, and to the thoughts swirling in my head. I allowed myself to just focus on the task at hand, as if nothing else in the world mattered; voluntary simplicity, watching the counters come clean as I wiped the coffee drips off, and the rows of white cups appear as I stacked them. The thoughts that came brought a few waves of shame, in which I would become tremendously self conscious about having orchestrated an event that was so... different, impractical and personal. And then there were other waves of thought that brought such gratitude for friends who traveled from both coasts and other destinations in between to be present with me, and for the myriad people who helped with the party. Both sensations are a bit uncomfortable, and when I move towards the feelings, and let them be as big as they are, it's like my cell walls stretch a little.
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